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WHEN I BECOME GOD By Todd (UPDATE 9/1) |
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When I become God
By Todd
After saying my prayers in thanks to the lord for the bountiful feast I was about to eat, (Creamed chip beef on fresh oven baked biscuits. Yummm!) as I always did, I felt the lord deep inside my heart, where he was planting the seeds of love. I was the happiest Christian in the good ol’ US of A! Then, as I took my first bite of grandma’s lumpy mashed potatoes, I found that they weren’t near as lumpy as they used to be.
“What the fuck, Grandma?” I shouted slamming my fork down like a good Christian.
She didn’t respond, she just put her head down and cried. It’s sometimes funny when old people cry. They are our living past. (Like soft history books that poo themselves.) “Why are my mashed potatoes not lumpy, Grandma?” Then she ran out of the room crying. Then a thought hit me. A horrible thought that had always been lingering in the back of my head. What kind of God would have me eat non-lumpy mashed potatoes? What happened to the good god who punishes the homosexuals with fires, diseases, and red necks. The one who was there for me when I took my sweet gal Rahanisha for her first and second abortion? This was an outrage. God should never let bad things happen to good Christians. Good Christians like father O’mally from my church. For being such a good Christian, God has allowed him to make love with his choice of the alter boys. He’s so blessed, he can do this without repercussions from the sinning parents of the child. Where was that fine god who used all of the money that was in the collection plate to help our previous father afford his early retirement with Jimmy from the youth choir? Then I thought long and hard about my next course of action. I would run for god in the next election. I know I don’t have much experience at being god, but neither did he when he first started. There are a few things I would do right off that bat that would make me a better god. First, I would show up in person and say a big godly “Hello,” To the world. That way everyone knows I’m here, and not some fictitious character made up by crazy syphilitic people living in the desert many years ago with no proof to my existence but words that were passed from person to person till everything was clouded and distorted. The next thing I would do would be to get more quality Christian programming on the SIN BOX. (Or TV as most of you refer to it.) We need more Seventh Heavens, and Touched by an Angels on the air. Then I would bring back a good plague or two. Nothing screams I’m a loving god more than killing thousands of people with Disease. OR… EVEN BETTER! I could get some poor shlob to build a boat big enough to contain two of every animal on the planet, and then I could really be godly, and kill everyone by making it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Then, when there’s only two people left, and they bring more life into the world by having beautiful marital sex, the next generation will have to adapt and be incestual. My punishment for that is retard babies. Then the retard babies grow up and have more incestual sex and they have even more retarded babies. And so on and so on and so on. Then, once everyone is as retarded as they could possibly be, I’ll rinse and repeat. Being god would be so cool Imagine hanging out at a club and seeing a real hot girl that you really want to bang, then I could just say, “Hey, I’m God. You Have to.”
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